Anonymous looked at his crushed kingdom of /b/ with remorse. Nothing was the way it used to be. Spam floods, DDoS attacks, and the worst of all- newfags- corrupted /b/ to the core. Anontalk had a massive war on /b/, and that made it even worse. Old memes died rapidly- for days there was not a single "imma chargin", EFG, za warudo, anything that would remind us of the old days, when /b/ still sucked, but it was ours- and nothing and no one, or so we thought, would ever take it away. Even Caturday, our most important holiday, was forgotten.
-Bye, bye, to the Niggertits site, where I'd linger with a finger always over F5...- sang Anonymous quietly to himself. A group of newfags walked by, heading over to Facebook and Twitter to tell everyone about /b/. It seemed more and more that 4chan has grown up, shed its old skin and became a site for teenagers. Teenagers to write about Twilight, the miserable cacophony of radio-friendly music and the new world they have created. In which we weren't welcome.
-Some good ol' lulz were had on that aging chan, posting "this will be the day we get banned..."
He shed a tear for everything that has been seemingly instoppably going on in the last couple of months. Catnarok, in particular. The epic battle between two worlds, between Longcat and Tacgnol. And the find of the other two cats, which once, by their powers combined, would summon the Pure One and save /b/ from decay. Ceiling cat was responsible for bringing them together, but he didn't appear in quite a while as he sensed nobody cared. We were forced to create "Longnol" to close the circle of Longcat, Tacgnol and Olgnact. A portmanteau of Longcat and Tacgnol. Raptor Jesus never approved of it, and needless to say, the Pure One never appeared. The old spirits /b/ had were getting smaller and smaller every day, and the same could be said about the denizens of /b/'s dicks. They were threatening to fade away into the mists of time, to give /b/ up once and for all. But Anon would not let that happen. He couldn't. moot helped with the attacks, but for the most part, he simply didn't give a shit. He could help - but the government is nothing without its people, and the people, being the 13-year-old fucks they were, didn't care about anything else but "post ur cawk" threads. Somebody had to react. But how?
The answer is simple.
A revolution, comrades.
That's how we have been doing it for years, long before anybody could remember. Because most of the time, there is no other way.
Following the ancient 4chan tradition, it is to be executed on the 5th on November.
-Remember, remember, the 5th of November... - Anonymous' face slowly lit up with a smile as the solution dawned upon him. The only problem was- who's man and oldfag enough to take with you?
-How about making a nice gore thread, the sickest shit you have seen... and encouraging anyone who decides to stick around for long enough to rise and revolt...
Without doubt, it would work. And it did.
On the 5th of November, the great army of oldfags stood up against the current 4chan reality, the spoiled rotten /b/ currently being built over the half-charred remains of the former awesome /b/. In Anonymous' hand was an Awesomeface flag, floating in the wind, heralding a new beginning.
-The cancer will be cured! We are the chemo, comrades! Oldfags of /b/ unite! Let the newfags tremble upon our awesome revolution! You have nothing to lose but your cancer!- everyone shouted at the top of their lungs. The oldfags, the nigras, the basement dwellers, the trolls - we were all one at that moment. United as one has never been more true in the history of /b/.
-Bring old /b/ back!- The thought echoed in our minds, bringing up memories of sweet innocent loli and incredible wins we once had, guiding us forward as our only simple cause - to establish things as they should have been forever.
But then the counterattack started.
Our army faced the enormous power of newfags. They had LuL AwZuM XD laZeRz. As pathetic as it sounded, as much as we had it in our hearts to defeat the crazy mob - our army was weakened, and we could not stand up against them. Seeing their sneering faces as they turned 4chan into the new Facebook. It was repugnant, disturbing, repulsive... but we couldn't find the strength in our arms as much as we had it in our hearts. The flag Anonymous still held in his hand was not pure white anymore. It was now stained red from the blood of his comrades. The beautiful color of revolution in its true form.. but Anon could still not hold back a manly tear for those that had to die. He looked around himself. You could literally see the cancer growing everywhere, pulsating and twitching.
-What have they done to our home...
The situation was now quite clear. We have been defeated. There was nothing we could do anymore. But Anonymous would never give up, even if it took his life to do so.
Newfags' spokesfag came up to Anonymous, the only survivor. He was covered in blood, gasping for air. The flag was on the ground, soaked in blood and its pole broken in two. He could not last a long time anymore.
-Well- the spokesfag said with disgusting cuteness in his voice- if it isn't my ol' grandpa Anonymous! Face it, grandpa, you will never be able to relieve the old times you speak of. They only exist on ED, and once... they won't exist at all- he chuckled, looking at Anon with contempt under his flippy emo hairstyle.
Anonymous looked up, a strange gleam in his eye. The spokesfag's pale face was drenched in pure disdain.
-You will never be able to defeat us, even if you kill me- Anon's raspy voice said.- The spirit of /b/ will live on... our memes will not die, our traditions will still persist. We're indestructible, kid.
-Yeah, like, wow. Just look around yourself. So many of your friends willing to help you.- even with those words full of pride, the newfag still couldn't help but notice the strange gleam in Anon's eye. Something, he could feel it, was about to happen. -You're defeated, grandpa, face it- he said, impatient and a little bit shaken up by that day's events.
-Maybe- said Anonymous slowly- I don't have anymore weapons. I cannot defeat you like this. It's futile. I can, however, do one more thing.
With his shaking hand, he grabbed the broken off end of the pole, once wielding the flag.
-What are you going to do, beat me to death with that stick of yours?- the newfag laughed.
Anonymous weakly smiled for one last time before putting one end of the pole on the ground and slowly writing:
The spokesfag stopped breathing for a moment. In the entire XD army, heartbeats got faster, eyes widened and mouths opened to let out an unison yell:
A blinding explosion destroyed /b/. All that ever was, including Anonymous himself- simply vanished, as if cleaned by Oxyclean. Billy Mays was somewhere up above in heaven, overlooking the situation, and giving it a sincere thumbs-up.
And then, there was silence.
Nothing but silence.
Anon, memes, /b/, destroy them too...
Destroy it all, and start anew.
HERE'S TO 4CHAN.